Sex

James Frey scoops Bad Sex in Fiction award

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US author James Frey has been named the winner of the 2018 Bad Sex in Fiction Award for his novel Katerina.

The judges at the Literary Review said they had been swayed by several sex scenes in the novel, which include encounters in a car park and in the back of a taxi, but were especially convinced by an extended scene in a Paris bathroom between Jay and Katerina that features eight references to ejaculate.

We both move toward each other kissing deeply slowly heavily, lips and tongues, her hands are immediately in my pants, I lift her off the ground set her on the sink tear off her thong. She says now I ask her if she has a condom she says now, Jay, now. I step between her legs.

Move inside her.

She’s tight and wet, leans back against the mirror.

Forward.

Deeper inside her.

Forward.

Tight and wet.

She moans pulls my face to hers kisses me. I start moving inside her, slow hard and deep, her hands gripping the sides of the sink, my hands on her shoulders, we’re looking into each other’s eyes pale green and light brown like cocoa. Do you like my pussy, Jay?

[…]

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.

Cum inside me.

Cum inside me.

Cum inside me.

Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.

One.

White.

God.

Cum.

Cum.

Cum.

I close my eyes let out my breath.

Cum.

Frey won the literary world’s most notorious booby prize after fighting off stiff (or should that be, swollen?) competition from an all-male shortlist, which also featured acclaimed author Haruki Murakami.

You can read extracts from the 2018 shortlist right here on Nothing in the Rulebook.

Responding to his win, the author said: “I am deeply honoured and humbled to receive this prestigious award. Kudos to all my distinguished fellow finalists – you have all provided me with many hours of enjoyable reading over the last year.”

In the past, other winners of the award have reacted with disdain for the Literary Review’s award. Some previous winners have even described receiving the dubious honour as “a repulsive horror”.

Organisers say the purpose of the prize is “to draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction”.

Read extracts of all the winning authors of the Bad Sex in Fiction award since 1993

Recent winners include Morrissey’s debut novel List of the Lost, which has become infamous for its use of the phrase “bulbous salutation”. Last year the award went to American writer Christopher Bollen for his novel The Destroyers.

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Literary titan Haruki Murakami among all-male shortlist for 2018 Bad Sex in Fiction award

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Nominations are in as the Literary Review prepares to announce the winner of the notorious ‘Bad Sex in Fiction’ prize, which aims to draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction.

Big-name authors James Frey and Haruki Murakami have made this year’s all male shortlist, which also includes Irish novelist Julian Gough for a passage in his novel Connect, spoof autobiography Scoundrels by “Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan”, Kismet by Luke Tredget, Grace’s Day by William Wall and The Paper Lovers by Gerard Woodward.

Murakami is usually found among the contenders for the Nobel prize in Literature and other prestigious literary accolades; yet in many ways, perhaps his nomination for the Bad Sex in Fiction award is his finest achievement.

Murakami was nominated for an extract of his novel Killing Commendatore, which reads:

“My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.”

Read extracts of all the passages that earned this year’s nominated authors a place on the Bad Sex Award shortlist here

The prize is not intended to cover pornographic or expressly erotic literature. The winner of this year’s award will join a long line of illustrious authors – or not so illustrious, in the case of 2015’s winner, Morrissey – to have picked up the booby prize (pun intended, of course), which stretches back to 1993.

American author Christopher Bollen scooped the 2017 prize for his novel The Destroyers. 

You can read extracts from all the Bad Sex in Fiction Award-winning books in our connoisseur’s compendium.

For more information about the award, visit the Literary Review website.

Nothing in the Rulebook will continue to monitor all updates relating to the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards with (possibly too much) interest.

Bad Sex in Fiction: extracts from the 2018 shortlist

/ professorwu / 4 Comments

bad-sex-image (1)

What’s that sound you hear, drifting through the air? Could it be the sound of spasming muscles, grunts and groans, salacious sighs? You’re almost there – that’s right; its one of the greatest times of the literary year – the annual Bad Sex in Fiction award, which has just released its shortlist of nominated entries.

If you’re a fan of the often surreal world of bad sex in fiction – a landscape of low-cal genetics, bulbous salutations and general limb-flying raunchy madness, then you’re in for a treat.

All eyes are now on the judges at The Literary Review, which founded the award, to see who will be crowned this year’s winner – and whose name will be added to our long-running connoisseur’s compendium.

We’ve listed the full set of shortlisted authors below, along with their literary extracts. Enjoy!

“Overwhelming exploding white god” – Katerina by James Frey

We both move toward each other kissing deeply slowly heavily, lips and tongues, her hands are immediately in my pants, I lift her off the ground set her on the sink tear off her thong. She says now I ask her if she has a condom she says now, Jay, now. I step between her legs.

Move inside her.

She’s tight and wet, leans back against the mirror.

Forward.

Deeper inside her.

Forward.

Tight and wet.

She moans pulls my face to hers kisses me. I start moving inside her, slow hard and deep, her hands gripping the sides of the sink, my hands on her shoulders, we’re looking into each other’s eyes pale green and light brown like cocoa. Do you like my pussy, Jay?

[…]

I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.

Cum inside me.

Cum inside me.

Cum inside me.

Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.

One.

White.

God.

Cum.

Cum.

Cum.

I close my eyes let out my breath.

Cum.

“Nipples as hard as cherry pits” – Killing Commendatore by Haruki Murakami

Quietly, so as not to wake Yuzu, I descended from the ceiling to stand at the foot of the bed. I was sexually aroused, powerfully so. I hadn’t made love to her for ages. Bit by bit, I peeled back the quilt covering her. She was fast asleep (had she taken a sleeping pill before retiring?) and showed no signs of waking up, even when I removed the quilt. She never even twitched. This made me more daring. Taking my time, I slipped off her pajama bottoms, then her panties. Her pajamas were a pale blue, her tiny cotton panties pure white. Still she did not wake. There was no resistance, no sound.

I gently parted her legs and caressed her vagina with my finger. It was warm and wet, and opened to my touch. As if it had been waiting for me. I couldn’t stand it any longer – I slipped my erect penis inside. Or, from another angle, that part of her actively swallowed my penis, immersing it in what felt like warm butter. Yuzu did not open her eyes, but she sighed and let out a small moan. As if she had been impatient for this to happen. Her nipples were as hard as cherry pits when I touched them.

[…]

My ejaculation was violent, and repeated. Again and again, semen poured from me, overflowing her vagina, turning the sheets sticky. There was nothing I could do to make it stop. If it continued, I worried, I would be completely emptied out. Yuzu slept deeply through it all without making a sound, her breathing even. Her sex, though, had contracted around mine, and would not let go. As if it had an unshakeable will of its own and was determined to wring every last drop from my body.

“Penile penitentiary” – Scoundrels: The Hunt for Hansclapp by Major Victor Cornwall and Major Arthur St John Trevelyan

There was no other woman like Fang. The urge was too great to withstand any longer. So we yielded. Two atoms smashing together in a thermonuclear embrace. As she unshackled my angry, straining shaft, desperate to be free from its penile penitentiary, it felt as if the very fabric of the universe was being torn asunder.

[…]

“Empty my tanks,” I’d begged breathlessly, as once more she began drawing me deep inside her pleasure cave. Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey. Soon I was locked in, balls deep, ready to be ground down by the enamelled pepper mill within her.

‘The stiffening shaft” – Connect by Julian Gough

They remove each other’s remaining clothes, solemnly, with tremendous attention to each other’s responses, like a ritual of incredible power and importance. When his jeans get caught, bunched, on an ankle, he laughs with nervous tension, mixed with pleasure, that they are really doing this. She smiles back.

They will protect each other.

He closes his eyes and they roll over sideways on the bed, and they kiss for a long, long time.

And then Colt moves lower, and explores Sasha with his fingers, with his lips and tongue. He moves his face over the hill of a breast; descends, kissing, across the warm curved dune of her belly, which tightens, trembles at each kiss, little earthquakes.

Down, now, between her legs, into that complicated valley, everything vivid, astonishing, new.

Yes, it’s like orbiting another planet, landing, exploring…

Wow, wow, wow… no, it’s like a rosebud…

She helps him explore.

Oh man, it opens like a rose…

After a long, long time, she pulls him back up, and he wipes his mouth on the sheet, and they kiss again.

She licks her hand, and reaches down. His penis leaps at her touch as she wets its head, and slides her warm, wet palm up and down the stiffening shaft.

[…]

As she helps guide him inside her, he feels both the specific local sensation of his penis sliding inside her vagina, and also the overwhelming sensation throughout his whole body that some barrier surrounding him, isolating him all his life, has finally been removed and he is, for the first time, coming into contact with everything outside himself.

He holds her tight, and Sasha holds him, and he can no longer feel where he ends, and she begins.

“Smeared with wet paint” – Kismet by Luke Tredget

She shuffles her head closer to his cock, close enough to smell her own residue, and then takes it in her mouth, with the vague idea of cleaning it. Geoff mirrors this gesture by burying his head between her legs, and gradually she can feel his cock pumping up with blood, one pulse at a time, until it is long and hard and filling her wide-open mouth. They stay in this position for a long time, Anna sucking and slurping with the same lazy persistence you’d use on a gobstopper or a stick of rock. Eventually she loses her sense of the context altogether – of what she is doing or who she is with or where they are – and becomes an empty vessel for what feels like disembodied consciousness. She looks at the window and wonders how the glass feels encased within its wooden frame, what the shaggy clouds feel like being blown across the sky, what the walls felt like being splattered and smeared with wet paint.

[…]

Amazingly, having floated as separate as planets for twenty or thirty minutes, they come at exactly the same time.

“Small and sticky and amusing” – Grace’s Day by William Wall

He’s almost weightless. When he enters me it hurts and my pain belongs to the subterranean world, primitive as the clay. His body is slacker than I expected, a small paunch begins at his waist and settles in a downward parabola to his groin. His pubic hair is red. His erect penis is a surprise although I had imagined what they would feel like, read about them, seen them represented on toilet walls and magazines. I didn’t see it before he entered me, but afterwards it is small and sticky and amusing. I want to touch it but I don’t dare. I don’t know the etiquette. He is twenty or more years older than me. This is sex.

[…]

I lie there with my legs spread, my shirt pulled down awkwardly. The old bag of tools is beside my head. I can almost sense the numinous reality of the ammonite. I’m sore but not as much as I had imagined. I’ve been learning things from magazines, though they haven’t prepared me for the fullness, the experience of being ridden, of his final explosive stop. The terror is pleasure. There isn’t enough of it. I want it again.

“Miraculously he found himself rigid again” – The Paper Lovers by Gerard Woodward

He was aware that she was making a mewling sound as he put his lips to her tightened nipple and sucked. Her mouth was at his ear, her tongue travelling along its grooves, voice filling it. His mouth tugged at her, extended her, she snapped back, there was a taste of something on his tongue. In his mind he pictured her neck, her long neck, her swan’s neck, her Alice in Wonderland neck coiling like a serpent, like a serpent, coiling down on him. She had found a way through his clothing and her fingers had lightly touched his cock, then slowly began to take a firmer hold. He wanted to cry like a baby. He felt helpless, as though his body had come undone and she was fastening it. He felt as though he was bleeding somewhere. Then he felt powerful, gigantic. He would have kicked a door down.

[…]

Vera rose above him, naked now, but for the necklace, she straddled him, though he was soft and helpless, indeed he was in a certain amount of mild pain. Her breasts moved in front of his face and he felt the befuddled sense of being stared at by them, they were still shiny from where he’d sucked. She knocked them playfully against his nose, one after the other. Beneath them her wetness met his own wetness, and they stirred against each other, she pestled him slowly, until miraculously he found himself rigid again, as though he had risen out of his own pain, fresh and ready.

Welcome to Jurassic book porn: an introduction to dinosaur erotica

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taken by trex

Let’s not beat around the prehistoric bush. Dinosaur erotica exists, and it’s time you knew about it.

Now, there’s a real chance the two types of people reading this article will fall into extremely binary categories: those who have read dinosaur erotica, and those who are now a matter of seconds away from finding out everything you could possibly want to know about a literary sub-genre as extraordinary as it is obscure.

First things first: the basics

Simply put, dinosaur erotica sits within the larger genre of monster erotica (for that, think the vampiric eroticism of E.L. James’ Twilight-inspired fan fiction) – and is made up of books where humans have sex with, yes, dinosaurs.

Generally speaking, plots from the books focus on female warrior maidens in rabbit-skin bikinis and grunting cavemen being seduced by (or, indeed, seducing) a big male dinosaur.

Some of the book titles from within the genre give you a flavour of what to expect. They include Taken by the T-Rex, Space Raptor Butt Invasion, Ravished by Triceratops and Pterodactyl turned me gay. Okay okay, we know that pterodactyls aren’t actually dinosaurs; but this is a fact that doesn’t seem to concern the authors of the books.

Check out some of the craziest dino-porn books (with excerpts and pictures) here

In fact, it sometimes seems like the authors of these books aren’t even bothered by what specific species of dinosaur is performing x or y sex act on which human. The simple fact that there is a large scaly monster doinking your clichéd vision of a smokin’ hot gal or guy seems to suffice more often than not.

Indeed, in the timeless title A billionaire dinosaur turned me gay, by Hunter Fox (not his real name), nothing seems to matter beyond the fact that there is a billionaire dinosaur that is gay for humans (in this sense, perhaps Fox should be given recognition for writing a six word story that even Hemingway wouldn’t know what to do with). At just 15 pages long, readers receive little description of the prehistoric terror lizard apart from the fact that it is a vaguely “greenish-purple” colour and has claws and a penis. But who needs these details? All Fox seems to think readers require to get off to their dino-porn is a main character who’s father hates dinosaurs in positions of power (we can’t imagine what he’d think of Donald Trump or Theresa May), but who nonetheless succumbs to the striking, Christian Grey-esque allure of this financially savvy dinosaur. Observe:

“I grabbed the dinosaur’s cock with my hands and began rubbing it in circles while I sucked on its shaft.”

Ignore the fact that this line seems so awkward as to be describing something that may not be physically possible, let alone sexy or erotic – and instead concentrate on the fact that the main character is having sex with a dinosaur, and you may start to understand the appeal of this style of erotic fiction.

So, just how sexy is the dinosaur sex?

Of course, we know that the question you want answered as quickly as possible is whether or not the books are going to get you off or not. This isn’t just us being exceptionally gifted psychics – it’s just basic human psychology at work: after all, when a person opens a new tab on the internet, the first question anybody asks themselves is “can I masturbate to this?” And while we’re not ones to say what anybody should or shouldn’t pleasure themselves to, we will try to give an honest appraisal of whether or not the sex in dinosaur erotica is actually erotic or sexy.

Now, when it comes to writing about sex, we have some history in this area – trawling through the archives to compile the ultimate compendium of bad sex in fiction. Simply put, the sex described by the authors of these literary novels compared to that contained within the world of dinosaur erotica just does not compare.

We therefore thought the best thing to do in this situation was to compile some of our favourite quotes here below (and here, too). Make of these what you will:

“This grunting, grinding, growling lizard” – Taken by the T-Rex

“She caught the girth of its fat cock in her hands and drew it towards her body, increasing the area of nerve endings which were being stimulated. The T-Rex seemed to appreciate the gesture […] it seemed as if time stood still. There was nothing in the entire world apart from this grunting, grinding, growling lizard and Drin, wrapped around its cock. She managed to bring her legs up, locking her ankles around its wet dick as well, the entire length of her body becoming a cunt for this animal to fuck.

[…]

Unbelievably, Drin started to feel herself building up toward another intense climax. As she came, she clutched tightly onto the big lizard’s dick, her arms and legs tightening on the throbbing, red hot member. The Tyrannosaurus Rex yelled loudly as pints of white fluid shot from the tip of its fat cock. Once, twice, and then a third time the big lizard rammed its shaft against her naked body.”

“The great, scaly beast” – In the velociraptor’s nest

“A reptilian tongue, stiff and hot, dashed out to lick at the tender, naked flesh so suddenly exposed. Azog gasped at the touch, then gradually relaxed as her body warmed to the intoxicating sensation of the beast’s flesh against her own. She wasn’t sure if her arousal was because of her earlier thwarted climax in the cool stream, or if she was just desperate for one last pleasant sensation before being torn limb from limb by the great, scaly beast. Either way, Azog relished the rasp of its tongue, hot and rough, on her sensitive skin.”

“The raptor quickly slashed away the rest of her hide, watching with wide black eyes as the leather fell at her feet. It seemed to take its time, sniffing at her young hot body. Azog quivered with fear and desire. The cave was hot, and now sweat began to gather at her throat and glisten across her supple skin. She could feel every bead of sweat as it caressed her naked body, feel the raptor’s gaze upon her human flesh. Azog suddenly understood what she would have to do to survive. She offered her body, naked and yielding, sweaty and raw, moist hot and wet, as a sacrifice to the beast. Perhaps if she pleased it, she would be allowed to live. If not, she would leave this world as she entered it, naked and screaming.”

My billionaire triceratops craves gay ass

“Oliver’s* scales feel rough but pleasant against my face, a reminder of his beastly dominance as he takes my hands and pushes them back above my head.

[…]

I rub my fingers across Oliver’s toned abs, even more impressive than the last time I saw them on our family vacation to Greece.

“You’ve been working out,” I manage to say through the flurry of kisses.

“Dancing,” he responds. “It’s good for a dinosaur’s bod.”

From this angle I can see his incredible body, toned and muscular due to a rigid dance routine that could only be accomplished by the most disciplined of prehistoric creatures.

[…]

Finally, I’m just too horny to take it any longer. I pull Oliver out of my mouth and the (sic) desperately command, “fuck me right now, I need you in my asshole with that triceratops dick!”

Oliver shakes his head in mock disappointment. “What are we going to do with you? Such a nasty little human twink, you need a real dinosaur to show you how to fuck.

[…]

He feels incredible inside of me, now a seasoned gay lover who knows exactly where to thrust within a man. I can feel a prostate orgasm slowly creeping its way across my body, puling (sic) inside of me with more and more power until it finally explodes across me in a sensual wave.”

*FYI: Oliver is the protagonist’s pet triceratops, who makes it big in the city and becomes a burlesque dancer.

What do others think?

Whatever you make of the above examples, dinosaur erotica is undoubtedly an explosive phenomenon. Some of the best-selling authors behind the books (usually self-published) have earned so much from their craft that they have been able to quit their day jobs. With titles usually costing a couple of dollars on Amazon, online readers have not been shy to share their views on the works they have purchased.

We’ve compiled our favourite reader-reviews of dinosaur erotica for your viewing pleasure here.

Amazon reviewer Bang2Write, for example, says of Taken by the T-Rex:

“This is a fantastic story that really helped both myself and my partner to reignite some spice into the bedroom.

My partner has always loved dinosaurs from a young age and I myself love the idea of dressing up in different outfits and role-playing scenarios that could be considered odd.

Taken by the T-Rex has allowed us to fuel both of our less conventional, sexual desires whilst also giving us an interesting and gripping story to read. I could not a rate this e-book highly enough.”

Meanwhile, Guardian book reviewer, Damien Walter, has taken an alternative view on the qualities (or lack thereof) of Billionaire dinosaur forced by gay by Hunter Fox, writing:

“Perhaps the writing can be forgiven if there is an underlying meaning to it all. Indeed, it seems like there might be an important message about race and economic inequality hidden in this story about financially-savvy dinosaurs taking over the world. We learn early on that the main character, John, has a father who is a bigot and can’t tolerate dinosaurs in positions of power. However, if we follow the real-world analogue too far, it gets very questionable very quickly. The billionaire dinosaur is just as bigoted (“how do you think we as a species have risen so quickly to the top?” he asks rhetorically, apparently referring to all dinosaurs as a species), and John later comes to agree with his intolerant father. Awkward.

So I’ll be clear: A Billionaire Dinosaur Forced Me Gay has no intrinsic redeeming qualities. It is horribly written, morally questionable, and even the sex in it seems like an afterthought.”

Basic instinct

In summary, therefore, dinosaur erotica may not be the place to come for the highest calibre of writing (although it might just help you breathe some life into your relationship). Yet the popularity of the sub-genre – marginal and confined to the fringes though it may be – speaks to something that these books have to offer.

But what exactly is that?

Clarissa Smith, Media and Cultural studies professor at Sunderland University, suggests this type of erotic fiction speaks on some level to our basic human instinct. She says:

“There are a number of pleasures potentially on offer here – the fact that this is really fantasy. Even if there is evidence that dinosaurs existed, we don’t know masses about them, and they have mythological qualities. The idea of having sex with one is outside the realms of possibility. It’s a bit like ‘magic’, where all rules become suspended, and for that reason it may well allow … for kinds of imaginative risk-taking impossible in more standard couplings.”

If nothing else, then, the very existence of dinosaur erotica speaks to the incredible extent of the human imagination. And if this hasn’t convinced you to consider reading Ravished by the triceratops, then quite frankly we don’t know what will.

Dinosaur erotica: excerpts and pictures

/ professorwu / 3 Comments

If you’re reading this, it’s likely because you are as fascinated as we are by the quite frankly insane world of dinosaur erotica.

We’ve already compiled a detailed introduction to the sub-genre that will help get you up to speed with the scaly, sexy goings on of this monster erotica sub-genre.

Now, we’re going one step further and giving you some of our favourite excerpts and book titles (with pictures, of course). Enjoy!

  1. My billionaire triceratops craves gay ass

 billionaire triceratops.jpg

Synopsis: Jeremy was never quite sure about his feelings for Oliver, his gay pet dinosaur, until Oliver scores big and leaves home to pursue his dreams of being a dancer.

Years later, the two of them reconnect for dinner in New York City, and realize that there may have been more to their relationship besides prehistoric pet and master. Now a wealthy socialite, Oliver the triceratops is willing to take another chance on Jeremy, and soon the two find themselves locked in a passionate evening of gay human-dino love.

Juiciest Jurassic quote:

“The dim, romantic lighting is enough to make anyone look sexy, but Oliver has clearly aged beautifully. He was always a good-looking dinosaur, but the specks of grey that now dot his scales have added an air of self-assured beastliness. Oliver’s also dressed way been (sic) than he ever did when he was my pet, the cutthroat world of male burlesque doing a complete one-eighty on his previously tired fashion sense.”

  1. Taken by the T-rex

taken by trex.jpg

Synopsis: Drin is her tribe’s chief huntress; she lives for the thrill of the hunt. Men and sex hold no allure for her, as Drin has never found a partner to satisfy her. When a T-Rex descends upon her village, destroying it, Drin demands that the tribe’s hunters go in search of the beast and slaughter it. Opting for safety instead of revenge, the tribe moves to a new location, hoping that the big beast won’t follow them.

It does.

Drin taunts the beast, giving her tribes mates time to flee. As she runs, leading it through a gauntlet of traps, the thrill of the hunt soars through her blood, leaving her wet with desire. When the angry T-Rex corners the huntress in a box canyon, it seems more interested in her wet womanhood than in her flesh.

Tightest Triassic quote:

“She caught the girth of its fat cock in her hands and drew it towards her body, increasing the area of nerve endings which were being stimulated. The T-Rex seemed to appreciate the gesture […] it seemed as if time stood still. There was nothing in the entire world apart from this grunting, grinding, growling lizard and Drin, wrapped around its cock. She managed to bring her legs up, locking her ankles around its wet dick as well, the entire length of her body becoming a cunt for this animal to fuck.”

  1. Ravished by the Triceratops

triceratops ravished.jpg

Synopsis: Beliria’s pride has gotten her into trouble again.

Before she can complete her rites of womanhood and take her place in the tribe, she must provide a kill for her tribe. Beliria chooses to hunt the most dangerous herbivore on the plains, the Tri-Horn. No single hunter has ever successfully taken a Triceratops, but Beliria is determined to be the first. Naked, with no food, water, or provisions beyond her weapons, Beliria sets out. Tracking the Tri-Horn, she lays a cunning ambush, but it isn’t cunning enough.

Her attack caused the big bull Triceratops to lose his mate. Now he intends to replace her- with Beliria!

Horrified and aroused by the horned giant, Beliria must find a way to control the situation, or she may find that this Tri-Horn is really too much for her to handle.

Perfect pre-historic quote:

“It may have been the best sex I’d ever had, but I didn’t want to do it again.”

  1. Taken by the Pterodactyl

taken by the pterodactyl.jpg

Synopsis: Dianne is a shepherd, watching over flock of sheep. She is sworn to protect them against any predators– no matter the size. But when a flock of pterodactyls attack, Dianne has no choice but to use herself as bait to draw their attention away from her precious flock. One pterodactyl swoops in and picks her up, taking her to his nest. She fully expects to be eaten by the massive beast, but when it starts to peck her clothes away, leaving her naked, she begins to understand that the pterodactyl might have carnal pleasures in mind. Dianne finds herself excited by the prospect and acquiesces. But can Dianne accommodate such a massive creature?

Craziest Cretaceous quote:

“Don’t be so stupid,” she scolded herself. “What, are you going to live up a tree your whole life, getting fucked by a dinosaur?”

“She let out a heavy sigh; the idea was appealing, it just wasn’t practical.”

  1. In the Velociraptor’s nest

 velociraptor's nest.jpg

Synopsis: Azog is an underappreciated cavewoman in her tribe. The cavemen treat her like a piece a meat. They disrespect her at every turn and never listen to anything she says. Azog cannot change this unless she proves herself as a hunter. When she goes out in search of fresh meat, she discovers a clutch of baby velociraptors and decides to kill them and triumphantly bring them back to her tribe. That is, until their father shows up and blocks Azog’s way out of the cave. Azog must use all of her womanly wiles to get out of the cave, which includes doing things she had never dreamed of.

Ravishing raptor quote:

“The raptor quickly slashed away the rest of her hide, watching with wide black eyes as the leather fell at her feet. It seemed to take its time, sniffing at her young hot body. Azog quivered with fear and desire. The cave was hot, and now sweat began to gather at her throat and glisten across her supple skin. She could feel every bead of sweat as it caressed her naked body, feel the raptor’s gaze upon her human flesh. Azog suddenly understood what she would have to do to survive. She offered her body, naked and yielding, sweaty and raw, moist hot and wet, as a sacrifice to the beast. Perhaps if she pleased it, she would be allowed to live. If not, she would leave this world as she entered it, naked and screaming.”

  1. Billionaire dinosaur forced me gay

 billionaire dinosaur 1.jpg

Synopsis: The year is 2014 and dinosaurs have gained control of the world economy due to exceptionally accurate stock predictions. After graduating from NYU with a business degree, John is hired to be the assistant for one of the largest trading firms on Wall Street. His boss, the CEO of the company is highly regarded as the best businessman of the century. Only difference is that he is a dinosaur!

Juiciest Jurassic quote:

“My father had never liked the dinosaurs ever since they began taking control of the world economy. When I was growing up he tried to condition me to hate them, too. I never did though. I thought that they had just as many rights as we did. They shouldn’t be punished because they had extremely accurate stock predictions in the eighties, becoming the single leading force of Wall Street presently. I was more grateful that Mr. Anderson (a dinosaur) was going to take a chance on me and let me be his assistant.

‘Yes Dad, he’s the dinosaur billionaire. He’s also my boss now so please don’t lecture me on them again.’”

  1. Space raptor butt invasion

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Synopsis: Space can be a lonely place, especially when you’re stationed by yourself on the distant planet Zorbus. In fact, Lance isn’t quite sure that can last the whole year before his shuttle pod arrives, but when a mysterious visitor appears at Lance’s terraforming station, he quickly realizes that he might not be so alone after all.

Soon enough, Lance becomes close with this mysterious new astronaut, a velociraptor. Together, they form an unlikely duo, which quickly begins to cross the boundaries of friendship into something much, much more sensual.

It’s not gay if it’s a man and a dinosaur, is it?

Craziest Cretaceous quote:

“I kiss Orion deeply, one last time. “Are you sure you don’t want to come in with me?” I ask.

“I don’t think it’s going to help your case,” the raptor replies. “I mean, some people just don’t understand that love is real. You’ve gotta put yourself in there (sic) position. They’re so used to everything working a certain way, women kissing men, men kissing men… not men kissing dinosaurs.”

  1. Mating with the Raptor

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Synopsis: Marga was the Protectress, the city’s leader, charged with defending it against dinosaur attacks. It is her sworn duty to protect her city at all costs, even when a pack of velociraptors attack her and her men at a small, undermanned outpost outside of the city.

The battle is a vicious one, and after a daring maneuver to save a fellow soldier, she finds herself trapped by the pack leader, a powerful male. The creature captures the Protectress and takes her to his cave. Will this raptor make the Protectress his next meal? Or does the beast have different plans for the beautiful warrioress?

Ravishing raptor quote:

“Marga looked down, and noticed the heavy green pouch hanging between the raptor’s legs… Her mouth gaped when she saw a pink mass emerge from it. Suddenly, the raptor began to move his hips towards her, punching the air with his swollen member that glistened in the light of the cave. In that instant, Marga understood, though the reality was hard to grasp… The thought disgusted and terrified her.”

  1. Dino park after dark

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Synopsis: Dino Park houses the New Dinosaurs- beasts created by scientists from residual DNA. The park is open to the public, who come to see the big carnivores and the classic, well-known herbivores. Smaller, gentler dinosaurs perform for the public.

Maria trains the marine reptiles- she’s been working with the same plesiosaur for more than three years. He’s friendly, well trained, and greedy. One night, Maria stays late to feed her plesiosaurus and disaster strikes- she tumbles into his pool.

The plesiosaur isn’t just greedy, he’s hungry. The only one of his kind, he’s been lonely and amorous for years. But now Maria, the human he’s imprinted on, is in his element and he’s got a lot of pent-up frustration to work out.

Tightest Trirassic quote:

“Maria thought that perhaps the creature was going to lift her from the water and save her, she felt a bump from behind. Holding the platform with both hands, she kicked and kicked until her pants, along with her panties, slipped down her legs and joined her shoes at the bottom of the murky water. Suddenly, she felt something thick and large between her legs – a dinosaur. She couldn’t understand what she was feeling. She had no idea what it was and she didn’t have the strength to hold herself above the water while she looked. The large stiff object slid between her thighs and prodded at her vagina. Whatever it was, was thick and hard and although it had a knot on the end. A thickly rounded bell shape that pushed inside her. It was big. Bigger than any man.”

  1. Spinosaurus wet dreams

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Synopsis: Sheila has been having strangely erotic dreams about a Spinosaurus. She can’t seem to go to sleep without dreaming about it and then waking up completely aroused. How is this going to affect her work performance and how is she going to handle her growing sexual desires when her boss happens to be a Spinosaurus himself?

Craziest Cretaceous quote:

“The mud would help cover up her scent. It was nice and cool as she smeared it on, helping to ease the heat of the humid morning, and felt strangely sensual as she rubbed it all over her firm, young breasts, down her toned belly, and even between her legs. Sheila made a note that she would have to experiment with this some more at a another time when her life wasn’t in danger.”

 

Like what you see? Check out what others are saying about dinosaur erotica in our compilation of real-life book reviews

Head on over to our ‘sex in fiction’ page for all your erotic literary resources 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dinosaur erotica: what the reviews say

/ professorwu / 5 Comments

We’ve delved deep into the frankly bonkers world of dinosaur erotica as part of our ‘sex in fiction’ series. Now, not only can you find out all you need to know about this literary phenomenon through our in-depth introductory guide, but you can also get an insightful glimpse into this monster erotica sub-genre of literary erotica through our helpful collection of excerpts from some of the most famous dino-erotica book titles (with pictures, of course).

billionaire triceratops

But while dinosaur erotica can make millions of dollars for its authors, what do the people actually buying the books think of them? To find out – and to help you if you’re considering purchasing a couple of these books yourself – we’ve compiled some of our favourite reviews from the readers of dino-erotica themselves. Check them out below!

“Dinosaurian magic” – Richard W Girdwood 

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“After reading Michael Crichton’s Jurassic Park I was left feeling scientifically fulfilled but emotionally distraught. Now I know why.

I have to recommend this most heartily. I was transfixed by the subtle arrangement of words into a tale of lust, so much so I struggled to read for more than say, 2-3 minutes at a time, often having to take short breaks between reads to recompose, arrange short expeditions to find edible berries, spear neighbour’s dogs and clean up the Kindle.

Needless to say those 2-3 minutes were spent deep in the mindset of a caveperson, wondering what dinosaurian magic might come next. After reading this literary wet dream I wouldn’t mind a Velociraptor opening my door handle at night!

I would love to see her branch into other forms of prehistoric erotica, such as ammonites and giant sloths, or fantasy creatures. Cthulhu with his many tentacles comes to mind. Bravo!”

“Something about the description of this mid-sized dromaesaurid was getting me hot and bothered” – VelociFAPtor

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“I was at a stagnant place in my love life when I purchased this book. I hadn’t been able to get aroused by the usual erotic novels that women like me take a common liking towards, so I was just taking a shot in the dark with this book. I’ve always been a fan of Dinosaurs but never knew how much I truly loved them until I got to page 3 of this masterpiece. I began to feel wet immediately, something about the description of this mid-sized dromaeosaurid was getting me hot and bothered again. I was hooked as if they claws of the reptilians in this book had reached out and touched me with arousal themselves. Trust me ladies, weather you’re a hardcore dinosaur fan or just mildly amused by the film “Jurassic Park”, this is not a book you want to pass up. “In the Velociraptor’s Nest” will give you that pleasant sensation you’ve been looking for and you’ll find yourself relished for the rasp of a raptors tongue. I give it 5 out of 5 stars.”

“Shouldn’t have been hot but it was” – Author K Webster

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“Wow! This story shouldn’t have been hot but it was! Marie was such a naughty girl with the dinosaur! Will they have mutant babies???? Jim is a perv but I liked his character and wish he got his chance with her too. I will read more by this author.”

“Tale of aerodynamic arousal will warm your heart, and groin” – John H 

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From start to finish, this piece is reminiscent of a controversial episode of animated classic, “The Flintstones”, in which a similar thing happens involving Wilma and the garbage disposal. While they resolved to replace the disposal (prompting the comment “I guess I’m getting disposed now!” and a humorous wap-wahhh sound), in this book they go a different direction: a very arousing one.

Easily the highest point of this book (no spoilers) is when they’re up in the air, though while the shepherd is on the ground is by far the low point. It has its up and downs, but this tale of aerodynamic arousal will warm your heart, and groin.

I will admit, though: you’ll never look at your local museum the same again. I walked by the dinosaur exhibit, and whispered “Pterodactyl? More like tear-me-dactyl…” and licked my lips while walking away. The lip-licking was due to being out of chapstick, but you get my point.

“A lot of unanswered questions” – LCisMe

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“This story was short and lacked character development. WHY was Dianne taken by the pterodactyl? Why did the pterodactyl keep her? And how will she survive in his nest? This story left me with a lot of questions, and I don’t think the author is planning a sequel.”

“The Wuthering Heights of Billionaire Gay Dinosaur Fiction” – Liam Pierce 

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“I strongly recommend replacing the word “his” with “his billionaire dinosaur” at every opportunity. It puts you that much more in the moment.”

“Having sex with a dinosaur would be a lot of fun” – Daniel Michael Cowan

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“Not only does Dr. Tingle paint a vivid picture of the future colonization of faraway moons and planets, he also really drives home the message that having sex with a dinosaur would be a lot of fun.”

“Makes a great retirement gift” – 

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“I thought this was going to be just like every other book of gay dinosaur erotica, but I was so wrong! If you ever read 50 Shades of Grey thinknig, “If only the mysterious billionaire was a homosexual dinosaur…” this is the book for you. You’ll bite your nails as you wonder whether the two characters will get together, you’ll cry as they talk about past pains, and you’ll shiver with delight as author Chuck Tingle turns up the heat.

Now that Kindle allows you to give books as gifts, this becomes the perfect gift for your favorite new graduate, your best friend’s birthday, or a pair of newlyweds who could use some steamy reading in their honeymoon suite. It even makes a great retirement gift, saying, “Yes, you’re old now – but dinosaurs are ancient and they’re still getting it on.””

Bad Sex in Fiction: extracts from the 2017 shortlist

/ professorwu / 27 Comments

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Have you noticed it in the air? Perhaps it’s something etched onto the faces of passers-by, or the fuzzy feeling in your stomach that lifts you up and puts a smile on your face. That’s right – it’s that time of year again – the literary period that brings one of the greatest gifts of all to so many people around the world. In case you haven’t guessed by now, it’s time for the annual Bad Sex in Fiction award, which has just released its shortlist of nominated entries, even as further nominations continue to pour in.

If you’re a fan of spasming muscles, shooting blobs of “lo-cal genetics”, sighs, moans, groans and general limb-flying raunchy madness, then you’re in for a treat.

All eyes are now on the judges at The Literary Review, which founded the award, to see who will be crowned this year’s winner – and whose name will be added to our long-running connoisseur’s compendium.

We’ve listed the full set of shortlisted authors below, along with their literary extracts. Enjoy!

The Seventh Function of Language – Laurent Binet – “fuck me like a machine”

“He tips her back and lays her on the dissecting table. She takes off her skirt, spreads her legs and tells him: ‘Fuck me like a machine.’ And while her breasts spill out, Simon begins to flow into her assemblage. His tongue-machine slides inside her like a coin in the slot, and Bianca’s mouth, which also has multiple uses, expels air like a bellows, a powerful, rhythmic breathing whose echo – ‘Si! Si!’ – reverberates in the pulsing blood in Simon’s cock. Bianca moans, Simon gets hard, Simon licks Bianca, Bianca touches her breasts, the flayed men get hard, Gallienus starts to wank under his robe, and Hippocrates under his toga. ‘Si! Si!’ Bianca grabs Simon’s dick, which is hot and hard as if it’s just come out of a steel forge, and connects it to her mouth-machine. Simon declaims as if to himself, quoting Artaud in an oddly detached voice: ‘The body under the skin is an overheated factory.’ The Bianca Factory automatically lubricates her devenir-sexe. Their mingled moans ring out through the deserted Anatomical Theatre.”

The Destroyers – Christopher Bollen – “the billiard rack of my penis and testicles”

“Do me a favor,” she says as she turns. She covers her breasts with her swimsuit. The rest of her remains so delectably exposed. The skin along her arms and shoulders are different shades of tan like water stains in a bathtub. Her face and vagina are competing for my attention, so I glance down at the billiard rack of my penis and testicles. “Let’s not tell Charlie and Sonny about us. Let’s leave them out of it. You know how this kind of thing can become a telenovela for everyone else.”

Mother of Darkness – Venetia Welby – “diabolical torso”

“They lie beneath molten sunrise, head nestled in inner elbow, mould of muscle mingling flesh with flesh, one body, soul within soul. The green grass curls around Tera’s left breast as she curves her sleek physique around Matty’s diabolical torso like a vine. Paralysed, complete, the marble statue of the lovers allows itself to be painted by the dawn’s lurid orange spillage. Shards of innocence, they lie in the sweet, sweaty chill of the morning light. Darkened by the sun and dust, Yang curls round s-curved Yin, a perfect fit.”

As a God Might Be – Neil Griffiths – “getting to bed would be awkward”

“The kiss was an order and a disguise. She pushed her hand into his jeans and felt for his cock. She was experienced enough to prepare for disappointment. Her tongue sought out his tongue and whipped around it, teasing it out. There was the taste of whisky, the fresh basil from the salad. Both knew that from where they were standing, getting to the bed would be awkward; he still had his boots on.”

The Future Won’t Be Long – Jarett Kobek – “hypercharged by orgones”

“We made love and we had sex and we had sex and we made love. But reader, again, I implore. Mistake me not. I am not your Pollyanna, I am not your sweet princess. We fucked, we fucked, we fucked, we fucked, we fucked, we fucked. We fucked in the effluvia of our bodies, we fucked in the scent of it, in the sheer stench of it, in the garden of our human flowering. Stained sheets, stained clothes, stained souls, stained towels. Fucked until my pussy ran dry and was rubbed raw, fucked until the Captain yowled outside my door, his gray paws smacking against the wood, fucked until Jon’s daily erections withered into nothingness, unable to support a third or fourth condom, fucked until the arrival of my period, pausing only until the heavy flow ceased, then fucking as Jon’s penis turned cartoon red with my discharge, fucked until celestial bodies rotated on their axes and reversed course in the Heavens, until the bed broke, until the building itself became hypercharged by orgones. Our fucking was a pulsing wave, a holy burst of scared geometry, a congress of wonder.”

War Cry – Wilbur Smith (with David Churchill) – “like Dr Livingstone and Mr Stanley exploring Africa”

“‘Yes…’ he said, taking the robe off her, without the slightest resistance on her part, and laying her down on the bed. ‘I want to explore you, like Dr Livingstone and Mr Stanley exploring Africa…’ He gave her a little kiss on the lips, but then his head moved down her body, following his right hand as it ran down her breastbone and then around each of her breasts in turn. They were not large, but they were pretty and in proportion to the sleekness of the rest of her; the long, flowing lines of a body that was naturally athletic, gifted with speed and strength but still entirely feminine.

Her nipples were a delicate shade of coral pink and they were standing up for him as proudly as little guardsmen on parade. ‘Here for example,’ he whispered, taking her left nipple between his finger and thumb, squeezing it slowly, gently, just to the point where she gave a little gasp and arched her back, and then he ran the palm of one hand over that same nipple touching it as faintly, delicately as he possibly could while his other hand squeezed her right nipple so that she was engulfed by two totally different feelings at one and the same time. Then, still working her right breast with his hand, he lowered his head over her left breast and started playing with it with his lips and tongue and teeth: sometimes kissing her skin, sometimes flicking the nipple with his tongue, then very gently biting it, taking infinite care to apply just the right amount of pressure. Her hands were running through his hair and then stroking his back and then, as he brought his head over to her other breast, she moaned and shuddered with pleasure, her fingernails tore at his skin and her buttocks began to writhe as the need for him took hold.”

Here Comes Trouble – Simon Wroe – “he remembered his parents were in prison”

The details of what happened in that bed, while engrossing, have no business in this report. Nor is it certain that, put into words, they would survive the imprisonment. But it is worth noting that when people shed their clothes they lose certain trappings and conventions. A clothed body is always human or human-like, a naked body always animal or animal-like. Only at close quarters is the full extent of a body’s wildness revealed, like when a bird gets trapped inside a house. One is moved to not entirely human thinking then. One goes towards its animalness.

[…]

Sometimes during he would think about where he was and feel a start of fright at doing this in his father’s place of work – until he remembered his parents were in prison and couldn’t catch him and this would fill him with relief.

 

So, what do you think? Which of these writers deserves to join Morrissey and co on the full list of winners since 1993?

For more information about the award, visit the Literary Review website.

Nominations are in for the Bad Sex in Fiction Award 2017

/ professorwu / 1 Comment

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Nominations continue to come in as the Literary Review prepares to announce the winner of the notorious ‘Bad Sex in Fiction’ prize, which aims to draw attention to poorly written, perfunctory or redundant passages of sexual description in modern fiction.

Books nominated so far include The Seventh Function of Language by Laurent Binet, The Destroyers by Christopher Bollen, Mother of Darkness by Venetia Welby, As a God Might Be by Neil Griffiths, The Future Won’t Be Long by Jarett Kobek, War Cry by Wilbur Smith (with David Churchill), and Here Comes Trouble by Simon Wroe.

Read extracts of the passages that earned this year’s nominated authors a place on the Bad Sex Award shortlist here

The prize is not intended to cover pornographic or expressly erotic literature. Monique Roffey’s The Tryst, despite being heavily nominated, is therefore not eligible, even though it is full of the sort of lines that tend to be picked up by the judges, such as ‘He lightly kissed my breasts, his beard all grassy, like a great sea sponge.’

Many people also nominated Vince Cable’s novel Open Arms for consideration. However, Open Arms does not qualify simply because its author is a Member of Parliament.

“Fuck me like a machine”

Among the choice passages chosen in this year’s shortlist is the following extract Laurent Binet’sThe Seventh Function of Language: 

“He tips her back and lays her on the dissecting table. She takes off her skirt, spreads her legs and tells him: ‘Fuck me like a machine.’ And while her breasts spill out, Simon begins to flow into her assemblage. His tongue-machine slides inside her like a coin in the slot, and Bianca’s mouth, which also has multiple uses, expels air like a bellows, a powerful, rhythmic breathing whose echo – ‘Si! Si!’ – reverberates in the pulsing blood in Simon’s cock. Bianca moans, Simon gets hard, Simon licks Bianca, Bianca touches her breasts, the flayed men get hard, Gallienus starts to wank under his robe, and Hippocrates under his toga. ‘Si! Si!’ Bianca grabs Simon’s dick, which is hot and hard as if it’s just come out of a steel forge, and connects it to her mouth-machine. Simon declaims as if to himself, quoting Artaud in an oddly detached voice: ‘The body under the skin is an overheated factory.’ The Bianca Factory automatically lubricates her devenir-sexe. Their mingled moans ring out through the deserted Anatomical Theatre.”

The winner of this year’s award will be announced on Thursday 30 November. They will join a long line of illustrious authors – or not so illustrious, in the case of 2015’s winner, Morrissey – to have picked up the booby prize (pun intended, of course), which stretches back to 1993.

Italian novelist Erri De Luca scooped the 2016 award for his book, The Day Before Happiness.

You can read extracts from all the Bad Sex in Fiction Award-winning books in our connoisseur’s compendium.

For more information about the award, visit the Literary Review website.

Nothing in the Rulebook will continue to monitor all updates relating to the Bad Sex in Fiction Awards with (possibly too much) interest.

20 of the sexiest haiku you’ll read today

/ professorwu / Leave a comment

 

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After reviewing Nick Brooks’s excellent book, Sexy Haiku, we’ve been reading and re-reading this extraordinarily erotic collection over and over, picking out the haiku that just stay with you, leaving you turning them over in your head throughout the day.

Indeed, we’ve become a little obsessed with just how good this book is. In turns moving, funny, profound, filthy, erotic and – yes – sexy, this is the collection of erotic haiku that just keeps giving over and over (like an exceptional lover).

While we can’t recommend you pick up a copy of Brooks’s book highly enough from the exquisite publisher’s Freight Books, we thought we’d whet your appetites further with some of the sexiest haiku we’ve picked out from the collection.

Enjoy with a friend, the one you love, or read alone while crying into a bowl of milk watching yourself in the mirror – it’s your call. But enjoy you will…

1.

She holds up an

overripe avocado

winks coyly at me    licks her lips

2.

Looking at her body

in the mirror    its imperfections

make her beautiful

 3. 

Our mouths meet

Teeth bash intimate flavours

Our tongues grappling

 4. 

Surprise surprise

you climb on top    put me in

tight    easing it    rocking

 5. 

Do I look good?

semen bubbling on your lips

cheeks flushed red  

6.  

My semen spreads its

Loose vines inside you    searching

For nooks    for purchase

7.  

Zara’s pussy incredibly

wet and juicy    soaking everything

in its own pleasure

 8.  

Shall we make love

in the shower tonight    or

would you rather fuck in the bath?

 9. 

I put it in from behind

fuck you   hard     fast      deep

then ease back a little 

 10.

I wait for you to plead

Like that yes    oh   yes   please

Don’t torment me any longer! 

 11.

I thrust in go deep

her hands hold my hips in check

as I nudge her cervix

 12. 

Your brain is

the sexiest part of your body    I say

staring at her arse

 13. 

Your cock is so

beautiful    maybe it can live

inside me forever?

14. 

I place my fingers

over yours    on the fretboard

place them on the right notes

 15.

Peeling your panties

your spreading legs     soft down

It’s still the Seventies, you say

 16.

She always laughs

when she comes

still slick with juices    making tea

 17. 

We spend the entire day

in bed    fuck  til we’re both raw

gnaw holes in each other

 18. 

You show me your

breasts as we talk on Skype

tell me you don’t like the word ‘tits’

 19. 

I want you to fuck me

from behind then come over

my face     smear it with your cock

 20.

We come at the same time

both our faces raw     tangled

if it could always be like this   

Purchase Sexy Haiku from Freight Books here:  https://www.freightbooks.co.uk/product/sexy-haiku/  

Book Review: Sexy Haiku by Nick Brooks

/ professorwu / 7 Comments
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Making all haiku in Paris that little bit sexier. Photo credit: Jennifer Taylor

When the Nothing in the Rulebook team were asked to review Nick Brooks’s Sexy Haiku – a collection of haiku that follow one man’s relationships – we did the only sensible thing and carried the book with us on a romantic trip to Paris. After all, nothing quite says ‘city of love’, as reading haikus that range from the intimately descriptive –

I ease in     sideways

Between a shifted thong

And the flesh of your thigh.

To the tragically relatable emptiness of meaningless sex –

It doesn’t matter

How long you try       I can’t come

Unless I feel loved.

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Sexy meringue, anyone? Or just more sexy haiku?

Indeed, what perhaps really resonates throughout the entire book is this almost tragic feeling that exceptional moments in love are so rare, that when they occur, one cannot fully appreciate them – since they will inevitably end, perhaps never to be repeated; and yet, having occurred, will always lead those involved to compare and contrast all future experiences with said moment. Consider, for instance, the following:

We come at the same time

Both our faces raw     tangled

If it could always be like this.

In these haiku, there carries a sense of loss for moments of perfection; and through this a sadness of never being able to truly live in the moment or experience present pleasure – where moments that are good are soured by the thought that they will not always be as good. In this way, Brooks delivers a sense of in-the-moment-nostalgia, where lovers have a premonition or foresight of themselves looking back at certain moments from the future, longing to re-live them and yet knowing they perhaps never will.

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The Moulin Rouge ain’t seen no haiku as sexy as this.

If there is to be a criticism of this book, it is that there is perhaps not a clear enough perception of the female perspective of love and sex. Instead, we are presented with haiku that have a distinctively masculine tone and voice.

Of course, masculinity is no bad thing and having spent so many years with men generally taught to suppress their emotions and repress urges to reflect on their sexual encounters and their experiences of love, it is refreshing in many ways to finally have a book that allows us to explore how men experience these things in the sort of raw, true and ‘real’ manner that only poetry and writing really allows. Yet one cannot help but think this book perhaps requires a partner – an equal in form and style; but from the female perspective. Sex, after all, is something that necessitates partnership. And so, without this, Sexy Haiku feels once again only part of a whole – which in turn adds to the sense of loss and incompleteness that is carried in the undertones of its pages.

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Sexy haiku can be enjoyed by men, women, and giraffes alike.

What this book does very well is capture the absurdity of both sex and love. We witness the complications of negotiating a threesome; the politics of semi-open relationships; the trepidation of setting out into unknown sexual waters of BDSM, or even trying “a new position, beyond the three recommended”; and, of course, those moments that somehow just happen, even though nobody really knows how they happen or why they occur, except that those who experience them know they feel somehow right and logical at the time – for instance, take the following:

She holds up an

overripe avocado

winks coyly at me    licks her lips.

While Brooks clearly has a fine eye for the intricacies of language and syntax, the haiku that stand out are these moments that are so relatable. Not everyone of course has the specific experience of using avocados sexually – although, in the age of the hipster, and with John Lewis reporting sales of avocado products up over 100% year-on-year, perhaps more people than you’d think actually do have similar experiences. Yet in reading these haiku, readers will inevitably be drawn to – and re-live – their own absurd-but-not-absurd-at-the-time sexual memories (avocado-based or not).

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What these haiku do very well is capture the absurdity of both sex and love.

In turns moving, funny, grotesque, romantic, filthy, and, yes, sexy, Sexy Haiku delivers on its essential promise of providing readers with a poetically erotic journey through the nuances of love. This is not to say that every haiku in the collection will be to each and every reader’s tastes; but that, when looked at together and taken as a whole, each fits together with the others in a way that complements them and brings new and added meaning. In this way, this is a book that can be read and re-read over and over – because it is that rarity in books these days in that every time you return to its pages you uncover new meaning, and find something new to enjoy and appreciate. This makes Sexy Haiku the perfect addition to any bookshelf.

“What do you like?” the first haiku in this collection asks us.

“This,” we might reply. “This is very good.”

 

Purchase Sexy Haiku from Freight Books here:  https://www.freightbooks.co.uk/product/sexy-haiku/