Craft & Culture Professor Wu's Rulebook

Keir Starmer: the new face of literary erotica?

The chisel-jawed human rights lawyer and leader of the UK Labour Party may just be about to inspire an entire wave of new erotic fiction...
Look at those eyes; Starmer’s eyes; sexy Starmer’s eyes; now, you’re under. Imagine those eyes caressing you with their sexy, smooth Starmer sight. The sexiest sight; Starmer’s sight. Imagine those sexy eyes inviting you, without words, to take a trip with him to his mother’s donkey sanctuary. Oh wait, you’re already at the donkey sanctuary. Now those eyes are explaining the benefits of socialism to you. Sexy socialism. Socialism is sexy – you know this to be true, just like beautiful, sexy Starmer. Sir Keir Starmer, Knight of the Realm. He’s an actual knight, did his sexy eyes mention that? They didn’t need to; they’re so sexy you just knew, deep down. Now, you’re hot and bothered. You need to read some sexy Starmer erotica right now. The sexy Starmer eyes command it. Fortunately, NITRB have just the thing for you

It is a rumour universally acknowledged that Keir Starmer, the leader of the UK Labour Party, may have been the inspiration for Mark Darcy in the hit book and film Bridget Jones’s Diary. So, is it any wonder that this chisel-jawed, human-rights lawyer-cum-political-heavyweight could become the star of an entire genre of literary erotica?

Nothing in the Rulebook are incredibly pleased to bring you what is perhaps the first ever published piece of Keir Starmer erotic fiction. Written by author Zena Barrie, ‘Little Donkey‘, sees a young political idealist arrive in Westminster for some work experience with Boris Johnson, but sparks fly when she meets the handsome leader of the Labour Party, and they travel to his mother’s notorious donkey sanctuary where things get raunchy.

Here’s an excerpt:

I tried to focus my attention on the donkeys but it was hard.

And then I realised. So was he.

He laid me down next to the mother donkey and we made love in the hay. When we had finished the baby donkey wobbled over to us and curled up in Sir Keir Starmer’s lap.

While “Sir Keir” has only been the Leader of Her Majesty’s Opposition for a few months now, his good looks have been causing a stir for a little while now, with the Evening Standard describing him, in 2014, as “hot, ready, and legal”, and noting how he had been tipped to win a “hottie list” of barristers for “thrilling admirers” across the legal world. So he does seem a perfect fit for erotic fiction. So is this why Barrie chose him as the star of her sexy story?

“Starmer is the Donald Draper of The House of Commons,” Barrie explains. “Not a hair out of place. Look at him and then look at scruffy covid-riddled, bloated Johnson. There’s no competition.”

While this is Barrie’s first Starmer story, she’s admitted she may write more “if he keeps being erotic at PMQs”. And she also agrees that Starmer’s could be the face that launches a thousand pieces of erotic fiction, telling Nothing in the Rulebook:

“Starmer erotica could be a whole new genre if he carries on like he’s going more writers will turn to it and more and more people will be putting their kids to bed then turning on their laptops to google Starmer erotica. There will probably be a calendar next year.”

Who is Zena Barrie?

When not writing Starmer erotica, Zena Barrie runs the Camden Fringe Festival and the Manchester Fringe Festival. She’s also the author of the (very funny) book, Your Friend Forever, which you can order through award-winning publishers, Unbound.

You can read Barrie’s full sexy Starmer story, ‘Little Donkey’ exclusively here at Nothing in the Rulebook.

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